Being more positive

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So, I have always known I say way too many negative things in life.  As much as others think I don't realize it, I do.  It's more of the fact that I cant find a way to solve it, and I don't like admitting it.  

I would like to think that inside, I am one of the nicest, most positive, and caring person on the planet.  To those who don't know me, I believe I put in much more of an effort to be positive and to be nice.  It is important to me to be as respectful as possible to those who return that favor.

One thing that often gets mistaken as being rude or otherwise non-polite, is that to my friends, I am often very blunt.  As my friend, I think you should know what I think.  Brendon (for those who don't work with me: someone at Disney), used to always come to me first back in the old days at Coaster, because I would not hold back.  I would tell him like it was, and that was what he was looking for.  Trust me, if I didn't like you (and there are very few people I don't like), I wouldn't be your friend anyway, so what I have to say wont be that bad.  Also, I don't say things to my friends that are mean, or would make them go cry in a corner... I just make sure they know the real facts of the situation.  I don't ever want to hurt someone's feelings.

Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to defend myself.  I am only trying to explain that aspect of my life because I think many people try to interpret me or "judge" without fully understanding what I am all about.

Let me preface the rest of this post saying that I am definitely my own worst critic.  I will sit and judge, contemplate, examine, and pretty much kill everything I do.  I am much better now than I was in high school or college, but I still do it.  If I can find something negative about myself, I will, and it will bug me for weeks. Lol, thats pretty much what this post is all about anyway.

My last night on Sunset, after closing Tower, I went to meet up with two friends who were at Coaster.  We had a discussion on the unload platform about the position of the train.  It was a healthy educating discussion about trains and random crap like that.  Randomly, in the middle of it, one of the managers interrupted and basically told us to shut up.  I know we all have bad days (and he had a bad day), but in my opinion that still doesn't give an excuse to treat his cast with the tone that he did.  So I calmly retorted back to what he said to us.  I left the attraction, because I did not want to say anything else in defense that might get me in trouble.  Later that night, I got a text from a friend, thinking I was mad at her.  I am fairly sure, she got that impression because a friend of hers Matthew (like the only person that reads this blog) told her that I was mad at her (or she may have made the assumption on her own).  But that wasnt the point.  I was upset because of the way a manager was treating us.

However, as I am often told, "perception is reality."  It doesn't matter what my goal was, I will still be negative, and "mad."

To my lover, Jimmy, many of my negativities stem from a self confidence issue.  I will often put myself down or say things like "you would like it better if I wasn't here anyway."  At the time, that is what is going through my head.  I say it because I want to be re-assured that I am wanted.  Instead, I get screamed at for good reason, because it is obnoxious to live with.

I am negative a lot.  I need to work on stopping that.  The problem is, I just don't know a good way to do that.  I did find a good read here, and I would like to say I will follow its advice, but I can see that sliding out of my mind fairly soon.  I don't know what to tell you, because I don't know how to fix it.  I even just used the negative word "don't" way too many times.  :)  One step at a time I guess.  Hang in there folks.

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A) She made the assumption on her own
B) I love you
C) You're blunt, which is fine, but we were all tired that night, and nobody really wanted to be there that late. We all had an excuse
D) It's "Brendon" - hope he doesn't notice ;)

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