A thinking morning

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(Nobody else has the right to say longest post ever... this post had to be continued in an extended entry)

Every so often, I wake up just thinking about life and the world.  This morning, with the wind outside and the rain and the cat sleeping on my legs, it just put me in a mood to think.

I woke up this morning thinking all about my past.  Thinking of my life up to today, it is often a wonder how I even ended up a somewhat normal person (hey, I did say somewhat).  I will admit, that I led my life every day worrying about how people view me.  How will people re-act if I say this, or if I answer the teachers question this way what will the class think of that answer.  Anything I said or did, had to be pre-decided in my head before it happened.  I would play things out in my mind to determine what the reaction would be.  I wanted to be accepted.  I never wanted my actions to alienate me from everyone else, and I was always worried it would.

A lot of this stems back to middle school.  Middle school was rough for me.  I wasn't the most made fun of kid.  I wasn't the kid people always went out of their way to make fun of at every moment (thank goodness), but I was still made fun of on what felt like a daily basis.  I felt personally like everything I did was wrong and was something for someone to say about me.  It put me into the shell I have yet to completely break out of today, and it put me into a state where I felt that I was my own worst enemy in life.  It gave me the mentality that I have to be carful what I say or do, or people wont like me.

I had a blast in High School.  I had the most fun of any of my school years in High School.  I found fun people to be friends with, and I found people who accepted me.  However, it wasn't enough to get me to be me again.


Life certainly has a way of screwing someone up for a very long time.  This morning when I was thinking about all of the past I realized how it has had made life today much more difficult.  When I meet someone new, or when I am out talking with cast members or whatever, I never know what to say.  Conversations with people I might get to know don't go well even today.  I am much better, but I am still labeled everywhere I go as "soo quiet."  After I get comfortable in an environment or new work location, thats when I open up, and become who I am.  People don't really call me quiet after they get to know me.

At least twice a week, the love of my life, Jimmy tells me I am crazy.  Even after two years, he doesn't understand completely why I am the way I am.  I am so lucky that he accepts me none-the-less.  He tells me that he had the same situations in life and he is much more outgoing (...while he is a lot more outgoing then me, he is not as "outgoing" as he thinks he is, but this post is not about him).  He doesn't seem to understand that he has been the only person in my life that I can ever remember being close to.  I have never shared my feelings about life, about my deeply held beliefs, or really anything.  He is the only one in life that has had the opportunity to see deep inside my head (as scary as it is).  So yes, I guess I can agree with him when he tells me "you're crazy".  I most likely am in the worlds opinion (there I am worrying about others opinions again).

The only other time I really share my life with any other people is in writing.  That is why once again I have started to blog (even though nobody is reading).  I wrote a paper in college for a psyc class (I think), and when I got it back from the professor it had a note on it to go meet with a counselor from the university.  The same thing happened in High School.  Everybody called me crazy in one way or another when they know what I thought about my life and how in a bubble I have become to most people.  But, I really do think I am normal just with a lot of self confidence issues.

Jumping back to today, I believe I have been getting better every single day.  I share more to those who know me.  I am still in an emotional bubble, but I am working on trying to pop it.  Life has been so amazing in Florida, and I have become so much more happy with myslelf since being here.  To think that I came out as gay over two years ago is amazing to me.  People didn't understand why it was such a big deal for me to come out.  It was me sharing something personal with people that they could judge me for.  Lol, look at the title of this blog... penguins even judge.  

If anyone read this whole thing, thank you, and welcome to a small tidbit of my life.

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